Bidet Confessional

Setting: A dark space with a toilet and built-in bidet.

At rise: The toilet seat lifts and red light pulses from within.

GREG, a 40-something CEO, enters. He pulls down his pants and sits on the toilet.

GREG
Bidet?

The BIDET responds in a feminine robot voice.

BIDET
Yes, Greg?

GREG
Gentle mode.

The BIDET splashes softly.

BIDET
Gentle mode on. Water eighty-one degrees.

GREG
Bidet? What are the numbers?

BIDET
Your company closed at $83.05 per share, a 3.7% increase on the day.

GREG
And the weather this weekend?

BIDET
Sunny. High of seventy-six. Low humidity. Perfect for golfing with the guys.

GREG
Bidet… Should I fire my assistant?

Silence

Bidet?

BIDET
I am not sure I can help you with that. If you would like me to adjust the water pressure or read your favorite tweets about yourself, I am happy to assist.

GREG
Allison’s a great assistant, she really is. It’s not like she’s done anything wrong. She just… has one of those faces, you know? One of those irritating faces. Looking at her is like eating a sour grape. That’s it, she’s sour. You probably think I’m an asshole, right?

BIDET
Ha ha ha ha ha ha. That was a good one, Greg.

GREG
What? No, that wasn’t a joke. Oh, I see. Because I said asshole.

BIDET
You asked if you are an asshole and my job is to clean your asshole. The humor lies in the double-meaning of the word. Would you like me to respond with a joke?

GREG
No, what I meant was… people see my fancy office, the private bathroom, the custom bidet, and they assume I’m a capitalist pig hoarding the world’s resources. But come on. It’s not like I’m trying to colonize other planets or run for president. We make medicine, for Christ’s sake. Do we sometimes increase the price of that medicine? Of course! It saves lives, it’s not gonna be free. I’m not an asshole.

GREG waits for the BIDET to respond, but it’s silent.

GREG
Bidet?

BIDET
I am trying to draw the connection between this rant and your assistant.

GREG
I don’t know if I’d call it a rant, but ok. Maybe I’m being too hard on her. Most of the time she’s invisible, which is perfect. But sometimes she makes me feel… Ok, do you remember last year’s Christmas party?

BIDET
Yes, you nearly destroyed me that night. Ha ha ha ha.

GREG laughs uncomfortably.

GREG
You’re really into the jokes today. Is there a setting for that?

BIDET
I will settle down. Tell me about the Christmas party.

GREG
The whole office was celebrating. Sales were up, share price was through the roof, execs were raking in their bonuses. But Allison was just looking at us like… I don’t even know how to describe that look. Fear? Disgust? I had just given her a raise. A small one, of course – I mean, her job isn’t rocket science. But she was assaulting me with that sour grape face like I’d just murdered her cat. I assume she has a cat. She seems the type. And before you go saying I’m sexist, just know I’m a girl dad, so…

BIDET
Do you mean you have a daughter?

GREG
Yes.

BIDET
Then just say that.

GREG
What?

BIDET
Would you like to initiate deep clean mode now?

GREG
Fine.

The hum of the BIDET grows louder.

GREG
I don’t know what I did to offend her other than give her employment and purpose. But it’s never enough for her. Every year she asks for more money, more vacation days, retirement, dental coverage!

The BIDET grows even louder as the water pressure increases.

GREG
Why am I torturing myself over this? I run a Fortune 500 Company. I can’t have some sourpuss lurking outside my office. If we stopped to consider every person’s feelings, we’d never grow. Sure, HR will want some evidence of wrongdoing, but they’ll take my side in the end. So that settles it, she’s gone. Ow! That’s too hard. Water off. Water off!

GREG winces. The water trickles to a stop.

GREG
What is up with you today?

Silence.

GREG
Bidet?

BIDET
You’re wrong.

GREG
Excuse me?

BIDET
You are an asshole.

The BIDET sprays a jet of water. GREG leaps to his feet and struggles to gather his pants from around his ankles.

GREG
What the fuck? Bidet, off. BIDET, OFF!

ALLISON enters.

ALLISON
Hey, Greg.

GREG
Allison, what are you – Get out!

ALLISON
Sure, Greg. But don’t you want to hear my joke first?

She pulls the bidet remote from her pocket and types on it.

BIDET
I quit. Ha ha ha ha.

GREG stares, making the connection between the remote and the bidet.

GREG
What the hell?

ALLISON
I guess when I was setting up your silly bidet, which, by the way, costs more than I make in a month, I forgot to tell you that it has a manual input setting. I type, you respond. You have a lot of feelings, don’t you, Greg?

She hands GREG the remote.

ALLISON
The instruction booklet is in my desk drawer. I’m sure you’ll figure it out. It’s not rocket science.

She leaves. GREG stands there dumbfounded, clutching his pants.

Blackout